SIX EXITS

Alright guys, I'm putting this one to bed. Since I have no idea when/where this "issue" will resolve itself, I'm going to quit writing about it for now. I'm sure that I'll be let in on this shocking and exciting tidbit sooner or later, and then I'll pass it on. One day you'll be reading about my new hair color and my flight to Denver and the next BAM I'll hit you with the news that I was born with a third kidney. Until then, my dear internet friends, I will no longer be detailing my every B.F.F.S. move. Hope you understand, but the worry machine and I must move on to other issues. Like? Getting my blood drawn yesterday.

Have I ever told you that I'm the great fainting wonder and the last time I had my blood drawn (4 years ago) I passed out laying down on the table? It was a feat of nature I'm told. Anywho, this time I didn't pass out but I did manage to totally freak out Mrs. Blood Drawing Nurse and her two looky-loo trainees. I pulled a few acts from the Exorcist and almost managed to knock the vial(s!) of blood off the table with all my writhing. I'm pretty sure I was worse that a 3 year old. At least you can pin a 3 year old down and she probably won't have a panic attack. I, on the other hand, was a complete mess. I could feel myself slipping into shock/panic mode about 30 seconds in. I tried to meditate and get control of myself but looky-loo nurse #1 kept on telling me to open my eyes and look at the ceiling. After the second reprimand I promptly swiveled my head around three times and in my *best* possessed voice I growled "I AM MEDITATING." I may have puked green slime after that, I can't be sure. I perked up about 5 minutes later when they handed me some OJ and donuts. I was one Sesame Street band aid away from the complete toddler package. Gah. At least I've got another four years to contemplate next time. Until then? Blood, I'm asking you politely to stay in my body where you belong. Thank you. That is all.

And other incoherent words. I've been waiting. And waiting. And waiting. And dying a slow death all the while. I don't know Jack. Or crap. I was told by the powers that be that the timings "just not right". I'm not sure when I'm going to find out. Tomorrow? Next week? Next month? I guess I'm going to have to deactivate the worry machine for now. Its been making this funny grinding noise with all the overtime its been putting in.

On a brighter note. I just got back from Joel's parents home up by the Canadian border. I think we may have even passed a sign that says "Welcome to the Boonies!" at one point. Anyway, been having much fun which has consisted of snowshoeing, cross country skiing, eating loads of junk food and making everyone sit though the movie Waitress for the third time. The fire has been blazing inside while the snow has accumulated up to 3 ft seemingly overnight. The view from their home is amazing, white peaked mountains with lacy looking trees draped into a wide expanse of snow covered valley. I could stare for hours. While I'm not watching Waitress that is....

We leave on Sunday. I'll update you when I get back home and make sure my dogs haven't eaten through any walls or decided to take up gourmet cooking.

Till then,

Sleepless in Spokane.

My countdown timer is all screwed up now. The flights were to full to go home today, so Joel and I won't be heading there until tomorrow. That means we must wait a whole 'nother day to find out about the BFFS. Tres suckage.

Will I be meeting an older brother? Sister? Someone who's famous? Someone who's out on probation? Will I have nieces and nephews? OR.....

Will my mom have received a big inheritance? Will she generously bestow $10,000 to each of her children where I will then proceed to buy a second car and a third pair of Citizens for Humanity jeans?


Hmmmm...... Its like a "Christmas surprise", huh dad? An "ancient history" Christmas surprise.....

Instead of sending out elaborate Christmas cards this year, we're mailing a short letter with a picture montage of the year's highlights. Included in that video was this short little clip we took with our camera last night. The Christmas video will only be playing music so we just said a bunch of crap. Like? I hate you. Rotten cheese. Wishing cancer upon you this year! It was quite enjoyable. So? I've uploaded it for all to see. *Notice the death grip I have on Hoss Dog with my thighs. He was not going anywhere for at least 29 seconds....*

p.s. Cancer is bad. Joel does not want you to get cancer. He just wants you to up your fiber intake to at least 25 grams a day! Gooooooo broccoli!



I spoke to my mom on the phone yesterday and mentioned that I dreamt about her getting a $109,090.95 inheritance (it was a weird dream that involved cereal, fire and cats). She thought it was funny and laughed (boooo). But? When I mentioned that I'm looking forward to dreaming about another one of my "secret theories" which was the new older sibling she got flustered and asked me if I was talking about Kaitlen visiting (my younger sister). When I told that I thought I had an older sibling she changed the subject. Hmm.... Suspicious? I think so.
Only 3 days left until I find out.

For those of you acronym challenged, B.F.F.S. stands for Big Fat Family Secret. Alright. Moving on.

*Picture this......
We are all huddled in a circle right now. Somewhere dark and empty. Maybe a college library in the calculus section at 10pm the day after finals. Yes. That sounds right. You are leaning in intently to listen to the latest news on my crisis. You can hear a pin drop in anticipation. Except for Lisa who keeps sneezing. Fortunately the other Lisa is there to prod her in her bony marathoner ribs. Hmmm... who do we have in attendance? My two favorite Lisa's, Kat, Nilsa, Miriam, Michelle, Tina, Larissa, Virginia, Valley Girl (which is appropriate 'cause the library is named after the Senator), Bets and many, many more. We are all settled in when I break the latest new to you....*

I Talked to my dad a couple days ago and I was able to *squeeze* some more information out of him. This is what I got.

1. He said that it was my moms thing and it was up to her to tell me when and where she pleased.
2. He also said to think of it like a "Christmas surprise".

From that I've deduced that, although 24% of you voted on my dad having a daughter named Mary Jane this is not the case. The other 24% who thinks its inheritance, or the 21% who think my mom had a "secret baby" are still in the running. So is the 3% who thinks my parents sold my soul to the devil. Now THAT would be a Christmas surprise.....

Till we meet again,

Happy guessing....

Thanks for your kind words everyone. I would like to say that the "issue" is nothing huge, but I'm pretty sure I'd be wrong. My parents have NEVER waited to tell me something in person, unless it was a big deal. Therefore, this my friends, is a huge freaking deal. So I'm going to do what I do best. Dwell. Worry. Make a list of What-If's. And wash my face frequently so I don't break out from all the stress. Geez.

Some of you recommended calling my parents again, but alas, that would be fruitless. They are SET. If I couldn't sway my Dad, then all hope is lost. At least I still have my rampant imagination. Therefore I thought we could play a little game together called "Guess the Family Secret!" I'll start:

• The *hopeful* situation is that one of my parents has a family member they didn't know about who left them loads of money. I am doubtful of this.
• Everyone tells me that I look like Nicole Kidman. 90% of these people are not legally blind. Maybe, just maybe, we are actually related. Aunt? Very much older sister? Cousin twice removed two continents away? Hmmm....
• My Dad just found out he has another child. A minor snafu of a one night stand during the "hazy" months missing my mother.
• My mom moved to San Fransisco to go to "college" for 9 months. Or? Contemplate becoming a nun after delivering a child at the in the wine-soaked hills of Northern California...
• In a fit of financial desperation "donations" were made to certain "banks" which resulted in said other sibling.
  
• My parents sold my soul to the devil and on my 28th birthday I will have to start capturing escaped souls for him. This was Joel's input.

That's all I've got. Now it's your turn to play! Heres some helpful information:

1. Must be something "shocking" AND "exciting" according to my Dad. An odd mix.
2. It may or may NOT affect my life directly. Ummm... Okay.
3. It was before my parents were married.
4. It relates to my parents but may or may NOT be about them. Again, verrrry helpful.
5. I have four sibling and all are younger.
6. My parents got married at 20 and started dating at 16.
7. They may or may NOT have broken up when my mom was living in San Fransisco.
8. I was born 8 years after they were married.
9. My mom is an only child.
10. Just kidding. My mom just found out that she has multiple half-brothers. Lets just say that my Grandpa's been married a fewtimes.....
11. My dad had two brothers. One passed away the year I was born, the other lives in Chicago.
12. My parents are straight-laced, God-fearing Republicans who've done an excellent job raising five children.
13. What parents? They have now disowned me for this un-approved spillage of secrets to the great world wide web.

Here you go folks! Have at it.

I love my family. Love them. All four siblings, two parents and one grandmother. But? Sometimes I feel like they might be trying to kill me. Not a quick shot, but a slow process that involves mental torture which is akin to Chinese water torture but worse. With this torture you can still be attacked 2000+ miles away through the phone. Tricky, eh? I'm pretty sure world domination is just a few rings away at this point. If only the military could harness the power of my mother. My. Mother.
This afternoon we were chatting on the phone as I was driving to pick Joel up from work. Nothing was out of the ordinary until I drove up to the school and told my mom I had to go. That's when the bomb dropped which first ruined my afternoon and now has left me in a complete state of perplexion. I am freaking out a bit.
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Mind Torture Test #1

Mom (using serious voice): "Now I don't want you to worry...."
Ashlie: (Automatically starts the worry machine up and running. Worry, worry, worry. Yup, it's working jusssst fine.)
Mom: "When you come home for Christmas Dad and I want to talk to you about something before we bring it up to the family."
Ashlie: "Ummm... what would it be about?"
Mom: "Its not about you or Joel or anything, its really about past stuff. Ancient history."
Ashlie (using seriously worried voice) : "Okay? Mom you're being cryptic, could you please just tell me."
Mom: "No. I don't want to do it over the phone. We want to do it in person. Anyway, talk to you later!" click.

Ashlie: Looks at phone, looks at husband, looks at phone, looks at husband. Mouth hanging open. Wide. Worry machine hitting mach-1. Tells husband. Asks for advice. Eventually closes mouth. Husband says to call back MIL (mother in law, to him) and tell her that you will NOT make it 2 more weeks with this hanging over your head. Decide to call back mom.

Mind Torture Test #2

Ashlie: "Hi mom. Um, you know that "thing" we were discussing? Could you possibly give me some more details?"
Mom: "No."
Ashlie: *makes mean face into phone* "Ya sure? 'Cause I'm kinda freaking out right now."
Mom: "Sorry honey." click.

Ashlie: Looks at phone, looks at husband, looks at phone, looks at husband. Mouth hanging open. Wide. Worry machine hitting mach-3. Tells husband. Asks for advice. Eventually closes mouth. Husband says to call back FIL (father in law, to him) and get the no nonsense Dad scoop. Agree and pick up phone.

Mind Torture Test #3

Dad: "Hey honey, how are you doing?"
Ashlie: "Um, not so good Dad...." *explain mind torture #1 & #2 to dad*
Dad: grunt. humprh. "Well. I can't explain it over the phone. Just know that its not about our marriage."
Ashlie: crosses the parents are getting divorced after 37 years of marriage off the list. "Oooohkay. That makes me feel no better. But thanks."
Dad: "All I can tell you is that it was a long time ago before we were married. It wont affect you. Well. It may affect you. Just don't worry. It will probably be shocking and exciting."
Ashlie: "Fine. I'll wait. But I can't guarantee I won't have aged 10 years in worry by the time I see you for Christmas." click.

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How weird, cryptic and creepy is that? I am totally freaking out and imaging about a gazillion scenarios. My family is very open, and I thought that I knew about ALL the skeletons in our closet. Gah! I am so frustrated. Shocking and exciting? What is that supposed to mean? Did we inherit millions from a long lost relative? Are we related to Brad Pitt? Do I have a sibling I don't know about? Is this the second marriage for one of my parents? Are they even married? Am I the new Queen of England? Its going to be a loooong two weeks........

I better start making my crown.