SIX EXITS

1. 100 year old homes have very tiny bathrooms (and usually only one).
2. Paint WILL get on every surface of your body. Even on your stomach when you are wearing a tucked in shirt that has no paint on it. Riddle me that my pretties!
3. My husband is oh-so handy! He can cook clean and make pretty things with loud power tools.
4. Mice will take over the world one day. Starting with our home..... more on this later....
5. Two dollars and hour is not enough to put me in charge of a medical emergency.

I'm going to antique the vanity soon(ish). We are also replacing the toilet seat cover (I know, you are sooooo thrilled) and changing the faucet to the ever-popular "oiled bronze" finish we went with. Oh lala! On a surprise note we found hardwood under the vinyl flooring. It looks like its in pretty good condition as well. We'll see if we are brave enough to pull the whole thing up.

Well I was working on the bathroom, my brave and very talented husband was constructing two built-in bookcases for our living room. Lone and behold they are almost done! Here is the (close) to finished product. We still have to caulk and put one more layer of paint, hence the blue tape, but I think overall it looks verrrrryyyy nice! I am so impressed that I am now willing to buy Joel the woodworking tools of his dreams so he can build me all the furniture I want! Weeee!

Next topic. My work. Oh joy. I haven't been chronically my journey lately, but in all reality there hasn't been alot to say. Do you really want to know that the salads are delicious in Philly or that they changed the lotion scent in San Diego? No? Well good then. We are on the same page. On the other hand I've been working quite a bit recently. It seems like I go through these phases where I barely work in the summer (could be the fact that I'm married to a teacher) and then I freak out about mid winter and think WHY ARE WE SO BROKE?!?! Oh right, its because I've only worked 90 trips the last 4 months. Then I decide to work 140 and by the time I've reached 110 I want to curl up and die. * Here's a little flight attendant translation. 1 trip = 45 minutes * They key is to work smarter, not harder. We have the opportunity to pick up trips for time and a half 4 days a month so I'm trying to utilize that more. Lots of times I just get caught up in the dollar signs, this month I picked up $400+ in cash from other flight attendants. Where did the money go you ask? In the toilet. Or at least around the toilet in the form of pretty, pretty things.

Anyway. I have quite the story to tell you but I must get going. I'm flying to Oklahoma tonight. We stay right next to a bookstore so 5 of my 17 hour layover will be spent drinking Starbucks reading the latest and greatest. I do promise to write again tomorrow though. I have quite the story to tell (obviously since I've repeated this twice. gah.). A passenger had a heart-attack on my flight this week. I was flying in the "A" position (head honcho flight attendant) so I was in charge. I'm not sure if in charge is the right word but its all I got for now..... I'll fill you in when my head stops reeling.

Loves to all!

What a year, what a year. Although I'm no closer to finding out the B.F.F.S. (big fat family secret), I'm a lot closer to realizing that I, Ashlie, may be inching towards adulthood. Okay, more like staring down the barrel of a gun with "thirty" written all over it still feeling like the slightly pudgy seventh grader with an asymmetrical haircut before my piano recital. Those pictures have been burned. I could make some lofty resolutions like every year past (eat right, exercise regularly blah, blah, blah....),but instead I'm going to just reflect on 2007.

• Celebrated year two in Baltimore without getting shot, mugged or stabbed. Quite the accomplishment by any standard.
• Added what I am now referring to as a second "child" to our family. She is the sweetest fur ball in four counties. Friends and family with actual two legged children can now proceed with the "just you wait until you have a real baby" comments.
• Enjoyed a second year and a hefty raise working for blessedly profiting airline. Will be reaping the rewards of profit sharing any day now.... Have yet to suffer any major injuries flying except a bruised tailbone and equally bruised ego.
• Joel and I bravely exited the big door marked "honeymoon phase" (Phase #1) of our marriage. We then proceeded to kick and scream to be let back in with no success. Spent lazy, wonderful hours working on Phase #2 in the West Indies. Coconut ice cream and turquoise waters seemed to help smooth the transition.
• Decided that I could have won the Nobel prize while running a marathon and reciting Shakespeare in fluent French with all the hours I put into worrying about things that I can never do a gosh darn thing about. Ever. Resolution #1-50: Stop worrying you moron. That is all. Now repeat 49 more times.

Joel and I had our own private celebration this New Years Eve which was a pretty, um, great way to end 2007 and start 2008. This year may not be better, but it will be different. Good different? We'll see. For now I'll just cross my fingers, say my prayers and keep on a truckin'.....

Somewhere around Thanksgiving people tend to lose their "cheer" and start behaving badly. Fingers fly while driving, voodoo dolls are taken out of the closet and flight attendants become verbal punching bags. Even the most cheerful, laid back person may buckle under pressure. Last week I did. Instead of sighing and shaking my head I reacted. A well dressed couple had left a gigantic mess on their seat and floor after deplaning. We're talking ground cheerios, the New York Times, empty bottles and one delectable smeared burrito kinda mess. And since we were only on a short stop I would have to clean it. I confronted them, nicely of course, but I told them in not so many words how rude it was. I walked around the next hour just shaking my head in amazement at the audacity of some people until something happened that would change my view for a long, long time.....

His name was Noah. He boarded the plane and practically bounced down the aisle. When I said hello he looked up at me and gave me a wide, shaky grin from ear to ear. From the bottom of his sneakers all the way up to his Harry Potter glasses he radiated happiness and warmth. After his mom led him to a row in the back I continued greeting the passengers and in general forgot about him until the flight attendant working with me leaned over while pouring drinks and said "The little boy in my section is a Make A Wish Child, isn't that sad?" My heart sank. I knew that it was Noah.

I finished my service quickly and began making a "crown" out of peanuts and putting together a care package which consisted of some playing cards, wings and a couple other small tokens. After taking a few deep breaths I went over to his row. Noah looked up at me with his big, shy eyes and slowly took my gifts. His mom smiled softly and thanked me. Then we started talking.

Noah is seven years old and was flying to go see Santa Claus for what will more than likely be his last Christmas. Along with his winning smile he has a rare disease that doesn't even have a name but will take his life. But he's not scared. He's a happy, bright little boy who loves Santa, his family and his cat. He also wants to go skydiving. His mom has found a jumper who will take a terminally ill child in Hawaii. That's his last wish. He's only seven and he has a last wish. Why should we be so lucky to even get the chance to complain about trivial problems when this little boy won't get to see his 8th birthday?

Sometimes humanity shines brightest under inhumane conditions and as I walked away from his row I realized that my attitude was all wrong. Please remember Noah as you go about your day. Pray for the doctors to diagnose this illness and find a cure in the small amount of time he has left. I'm praying that my attitude and heart will change to be a little bit more like this amazing boy who loves life and lives each day to its fullest....

The lovely Tina has tagged moi with seven random things. Since I've already done one about myself, I thought that I would do seven randoms about being a flight attendant. Drumroll puleeze!!!!!

1. The rumors are true. Some flight attendants have a guy in every city OR due to the wonders of the Internet they can whip one up in 5 minutes on a ground stop in Philly. I know. Gross. The divorce rate in airlines crews is astronomical. Its pretty sad....


2. We hate it when you ring your flight attendant call button to hand us "emergency" trash or get you that pillow when we're doing our safety demo. If your flight attendant is doing a mad dash down the aisle or carrying 25 drinks just be patient for a couple of minutes and then signal us. We'll take care of it and not be super-annoyed. This will ensure you spit free drinks the rest of the flight. Just kidding. Kindof.
   


3. Unless you ate bad cheese in Mexico please do not get up when the seat belt sign is on. We are required by law to inform every passenger that "it is not safe to be up right now, the fasten seatbelt sign is still illuminated", after telling the 80th person this spiel we may not be wearing our happy face anymore. Not to mention that we don't want you falling on us when turbulence hit and poking us is the eye while simultaneously knocking out our contact lense. It's happened.


4. Airlines crews are drinkers! Just head to your nearest 3 star hotel by the airport and sit in the bar for a few minutes. The two older gentlemen semi-tacky clothing with the pretty twenty year olds and middle aged gay men are flight attendants and pilots and they can put your wildest college buddies to shame. With discounts such as 1-2-3 ($1 beer, $2 wine, $3 mixed drinks) some tend do be a bit wild. I, on the other hand, am mocked relentlessly when I order my one glass of wine and go to bed by 10pm. What can I say? I love my liver.


5. Flight attendants are extraordinarily vain. I've met more people (ladies AND men) who've had plastic surgery in the airlines then I did living in Los Angeles. I KNOW, weird right? Why is this? I have a few theories. One is that we are in the public eye alot, doing our little demo's, making speeches and sashaying up and down the aisle. The funny thing is that the passengers probably don't remember what their flight attendants looked like 10 minutes after they deplane. The second theory is the amount of magazines we read. I find a treasure trove of Intouch, People, InStyle, Cosmo, Glamour, Star and everything else under the sun after each flight. Ask me if J.Lo is having twins, Katie Holmes cut her hair or what Vogue says about wearing vests this season and I will know the answer off the top of my head. Its a sickness.
   
   
6. We love to complain and we're not picky about the topic. It could be the man in 7C who ordered five drinks, the temperature in Phoenix, the pilots, the other flight attendants, the hotel, the bed, the gym, the sandwich is Austin or our new uniforms. You name it and someones complained about it. Not to say that we have bad attitudes, be we just looove our complaining!
7. Flight attendants and their supervisors mix like oil and water. The damage done by a small number of fa supervisors has created a huge distrust among the two groups. A lot of people have told me that they avoid being in the same room as their supervisor. Of course, there are still the few with the constant brown smudge caked on their nose. The perpetual teachers pets...
   
   

*Disclaimer: I only have one guy in one city and (surprise!) I'm married to him. I do hate "emergency trash" but I'll never spit in your drink. It wasn't my contact that got knocked out. I drink about 4 times a month. I'm not the person to party with. I am vain. I will embrace botox later in life. I complain. I hate that I complain. My nose is definitely not brown. Not all of the opinions above reflect the personal beliefs of this blogger. So there.*

Which one of these don't belong? I have a shameful secret to tell you dear Internet. I try to forget about it but everytime I walk up the stairs in my house it hits me full in the face. The stench. Lets start at the beginning.
It's not surprising for a 100 year old home to have mice. Lots of homes get the occasional mouse during the winter months and we thought our home was no different. When my sister Kaitlen
was visiting last spring and saw two mice skittering across our hardwood floor we decided something had to be done. After naming them Freddy and Fredericka I went out and bought two live traps. I lovingly set them up and placed the choicest peanut butter at the end. We would release them at our favorite park. Weeks went by. Months went by. Still no mice. Oh sure, we'd seen them parading around our living room at night and multiplying by the hordes, but they were as stealthy at evading the traps as Amy Winehouse going to rehab.The straw that broke the mouses back (soon to be literal) was finding a one in my travel food bag chowing down on a packet of oatmeal while pooping on my good pen. I screamed. Joel ran upstairs and then promptly to the store to buy traps. The real kind. I cried. I felt horrible at the thought of killing Freddy and his beloved family. But? They were ruining my life.... and appetite.

By now they were everywhere. We could hear them in our ceiling running around like their tails were on fire and gnawing on our walls in the bedroom waking us up at 4am. They chewed through our bags of dried fruit in the pantry and took poops on our sugar and rice. The situation was dire. We set up 3 traps to start with. I told Joel to check them everyday because I sure as heck didn't want to reach into the closet and grab a dead, squished mouse. Over the next month we caught eight....EIGHT....mice. Joel told me with glee one morning that he had caught two mice on one trap in the pantry. Our ceilings became quiet once more and our food seemed safe. Until the stench.

We knew what it was immediately. Our noses had endured this kind of torture before. We (Joel) searched the room and came up with nada. No mouse anywhere. After a few days it became unbearable. We started burning our industrial strength "guaranteed to overpower any smell within 100 feet" Yankee candle for hours a day. Who cares if our house burns down? At least we wouldn't have the stench. I would like to update you to let you know that we found the mouse and have disposed of it properly, but I can't. The mouse is in the wall. The stench is in the wall. Connected to our bedroom. How it died is still a mystery, but all I know is that I've never been happier to spend the night in 18 degree Denver as I am tonight. Sorry sweetie, you can always use the couch..... as long as the sound of mice running in the ceiling doesn't keep you up. Their baaaaacccck!

Yes. That means I've been working a lot.
No. I'm not calling myself a witch.
Unless you cut me off in traffic.

I've worked six days this week and am looking forward to going home tonight. Of course when I get there I will be greeted with a house to clean and Thanksgiving dinner to prep for. Lucky me. Its unfortunate that I came from a home with a creative mother who could give Martha Stewart a run for her money. Top that off with my erring towards perfectionism and you have an anal retentive O.C.D. mess. My home must look like a pottery barn magazine on crack and smell like Rachel Rays kitchen after seven 30 minute meals or I just won't be happy. I'm trying to unclench I swear..... Trying. Hard. To. Relax. ACK! Not working....

I'll show you pictures of the carnage later this week. In the meantime for a male flight attendants point of view enjoy Gregs *new* blog!

Part of the mission of this blog (I have a mission! Wheeee!!!) is informing people about my career as a flight attendant. Whether they're thinking about becoming one or just like reading the plights of us super-stews I'm hoping everyone leaves with a little bit more knowledge. Which is why I've decided to give you a monthly review, sort of like how I review my individual trips. This will give you an idea of how much I work vs. how much I play (and crochet).

• Days I was scheduled to be on reserve: 16
• Days of reserve I picked up for extra $: 4
• Regular trips I picked up for extra $: 1 (picked up a 3 hour turn for $100 from another flight attendant who was desperate to get rid of it.)
• Days of airport standby (a.p.s.b.) I sat: 5
• Hours of airport standby I sat/watched tv/crocheted/read: 23
• Total hours I was attached to my cell phone "waiting" for a call: 240
• Actual days of reserve I worked (not including airport standby): 8
• Total nights spent away from my snoring, sweet husband: 5
• Places I spent the night in the month of October: Columbus, Salt Lake City, Vegas, Tampa and New York.
• Total days I worked in the month of October including a.p.s.b.: 13
• Total days I was paid for in the month of October: 19

Alright folks, lets sum this up. Ashlie was paid for working 19 days last month but she actually only worked 13 of them. But she was paid for 19. Which is nice to be paid for not working and all. And she only had to spend 5 actual nights away from my home. Not too shabby, eh?

Now before all of you apply, I've got to be honest and say that it's not always this easy. There have been some occasions I've been away from my home for 6 nights in a row. Granted, its usually due to my greed. There's been a few moments of "Squeee! Someone put $200 cash on this 3 day trip! I must pick it up right away!" only to look at my screen and realize that I'll be working 2 weeks straight. Most of that is due to my stupidity. But sometimes it can be hard *shudders* work with long days, short nights, bad food and even worse company. I think you all have read in past posts. But really? My job rocks.

Quote of the Day: “Anyone who works is a fool. I don't work - I merely inflict myself upon the public.” - Robert Morley.

This is my fourth day this month sitting Airport Standby (which is A LOT). For those of you unaccustomed to flight attendant jargon, let me explain. Here's the process. First, you have to be on reserve, then scheduling calls and tells you they need you to sit "standby" at such and such time. The earliest 5 hour shift starts at 4:30am and the latest ends at 11pm. Basically, after you receive the call you have approximately 2 hours to hustle your booty to the airport and run up to the flight attendant lounge. (Yes, we have a lounge. It's equipped with about a dozen computers , a big screen TV and 8 black fake leather couches. Each typically adorned with sleeping, eating or chatting flight attendants. We also have four sinks, four dressing rooms and two irons. 4+4+2 = 1500 gorgeous flight attendants, right? Its almost comical when you walk in at 5am and see 30 flight attendants in various states of undress with half their hair flat-ironed and only one eye made up. Some of these poor ladies (and men) are just waking up from a night spent on a 4ft pleather couch with 20 overhead lights blaring down and a blanket snagged from a plane. That, my friends, is why I don't commute.) Back to airport standby. I was called at 2:30pm today to "hustle in" for my 5:30 shift. I will be here until 10:30pm if I don't get called to work. This is pretty much rinse and repeat from last Sunday. Let me give you an example of how my day could turn out... Last week I checked in for standby at 10am. I sat around, watch Forest Gump, crocheted and crapped my pants every time the scheduling phone rang. Yes, they have their own phone. Here's what it looked like....

Ashlie: Watching Forest Gump and crocheting a purse.
Riiiinnnng.
Ashlie: Crapping her pants thinking "Is it for me? Where are they going to send me? Will I be working with someone I know? What if I have to fly to (insert poe-dunk USA town with nasty hotel here) tonight?!?...."
Riiiiiiiinnnng.
Ashlie: "Is anyone going to answer the effing phone??? Can't they see I'm watching Forest Gump?".....
Riiiiinnnnnng.
Ashlie: "Please don't use me, please don't use me, please don't use me...."
Someone picks up phone and yells, "Is there an Ashlie here? Ashlie? Anyone by the name of Ashlie?"
Ashlie: Makes note to change pants. Ends up getting the 3 day trip from hell (see earlier blog entry), but in the meantime she still has to sit another 2 hours before the trip even leaves. At least she can (and did) finish Forest Gump.

You can see how this can be a very adrenaline filled situation. Or maybe its just me, with my anxiety issues and all. Who knows? All I know is if I have to sit any more freakin' standby I'm going to be needing a lot more pants....

Your favorite guest blogger is back! Repeat after me- *We heart Greg. We will take the ear buds out of our ears now.*

So close and yet so far away.

I knew it would happen sooner or later. I finally got stuck with a Dulles overnight. Do you know what it is like to work all these trips then be 36 miles from home and not get to go there?? It sucks. The overnight is nice, a crown plaza, but i could be home nailing down base boards right now. It is also the longest overnight i have ever had...21 hours. Hell I should walk home.... Instead I am hogging the computer in the business center. My blog is more important that your expense report. Most of the true professionals have a laptop anyway. Thats how I look at it.

I got to practice my German in the bar last night. The German airforce is staying at the hotel. Not all of them, Just a few. Thought i would clarify that so you nut jobs don't think the new world order is coming to get you.

I have had some good crews lately, I guess i finally have got my groove back. I think pm's are the trick. Im even getting used to sleeping past 5am. The bad thing about pm's is its the world of late night bar food. I am going to turn into a quesadilla...It is the one food that most hotel bars dont screw up. Except for Salt lake...thier quesadillas are pretty rough.

Pm's are great for people watching as well. It really is fun to see how different the am'rs are to the pm'rs.....to say i have seen alot of rude behavior in the last few trips is an understatement...I will leave it at that.......Alcohol changes everything.d

To keep from choking the passengers I hit a nice 1:20 min run yesterday. Nothing puts me in a nice mood like that. Mostly cuz I am too damn tired to care what you do after i run that far. I will say one thing though....I'm sick of Ipods. Please take the ear buds out of your ears when I'm talking to you. Rude little sh*$#@. I'm done now.

I'm getting the evil eye from some guy next to me....I hope the nosey little turd is reading this.

That's all i got till i get home and do something interesting.

Here's the link to G's blog. Its a Myspace thing, although I've been trying to cajole him into becoming a "real" blog dork like me. Sarcastic and single. Just the way the web likes 'em.

• Overnights: First night we stayed in the ever humid city of Tampa, Fl. My overnight was only 12 hours so I didn't get much of a chance to enjoy the hotel pool. Sad. The second night was in NY.

• Legs (number of flights in one day): The first day consisted of 4 legs. This was after sitting FIVE hours of airport standby. I arrived at the airport on Sunday at 10am and didn't get to Tampa until 11pm. Major sucktitude. Did I mention each leg was full? Bah. The second and third days weren't as bad. I even had to dead head (ride non-working flight to get me to my next trip) the 2nd day.


• Hotels: I saw a cockroach in Tampa a few months ago, so I've been leery ever since. Fortunately it was bug-free this time. Not that I would have noticed, 'cause I slept like the dead. The hotel in NY was awesome. A really nice Hyatt with super comfy beds and even an IPOD alarm clock. Tres chic!
  
• Crew: I'm going to keep it short and sweet. Positives: They were good flight attendants and the customers liked them. Negatives: One of them liked to hear her own voice and would hop on the PA system about every 3 seconds. Even when we only had 11 pax. The other was a clone of Michel Gerard, the french receptionist on Gilmore Girls. Since my name is not Lorelai Gilmore I had issues dealing. Many, many issues...

• Customers: During boarding I had to stand smack in the middle of the airplane and greet the customers. Also known as the "sandwiched" flight attendant position. Anyway, I had my most charming smile in place and was handing out hello's with abandon when one gentleman sneered at me. Not just a normal sneer, like, an Elvis sneer. Twice. It's hard to explain but it was one of the most bizarre things I've ever seen. The flight right after that another guy chirped at me when I asked how his day was going. An actual bird chirp. Even the pax around me look bewildered. The craziest thing about this was that both these guys were straitlaced businessmen. Suits and all.


• Stories: The pilots this trip were really nice, so the second day I decided to visit them up front. Okay... maybe I did this for my own sanity to get away from the other 139 people in the plane. Anyway, the captain told this funny story about another pilot we'll call Bob. Bob lived in Nashville and was notorious for calling in sick every time his plane went through the city. If he had only flown 2 hours of a 4 day day trip but it went though Nashville he would call in sick. Apparently he was making such a habit of it that one day after checking in for a trip the chief pilot (head-honcho pilot) called Bob into his office. He explained to Bob that they were on to him and he needed to knock it off. Bob nodded his head, picked up the chief pilot's phone and called in sick. He then turned to the chief and said "I can't fly when I feel bad, and you're making me feel bad". Needless to say he retired a few months later.

Pictures:

This is my favorite spot on all my overnights. Isn't it pretty? Tampa has such nice weather, so you can sit on the swing and watch the ducks all day long. Um...not that I could watch ducks all day long. I am so lame.

This is one of the cushiest hotels in the system. Here's the IPOD alarm clock. I tried jamming it in my suitcase but it wouldn't fit.

p.s. I don't steal. 'Specially from hotels 'cause they will get you. Oh, and karma would come and hunt me down, just like Earl.

I could write a lot about pilots, good and bad, but before I get started I would like say that 90% of the pilots I fly with are really great guys. Another 8% I'm going to let go for having a 'bad' day, but the last 2% have no excuse. Ahhh, those wicked last 2%.

As a brand spankin' new flight attendant I wasn't sure what to expect with crew interactions. I was gullible and perhaps a tad naive (who me???). I learned very quickly. My first month online I was doing a cabin safety inspection before the plane boarded. It was early in the morning and since the plane was empty the pilots were sitting in the front row eating breakfast. Every time I walked by their row they would whisper something and wink at eachother. About four times into this little "game" the captain grabbed me by the waist and pulled me onto his lap. Poor little 23 year old Ashlie was stunned and incapable of moving. He then proceeded to tell me that the company was requiring all new flight attendants to get physicals and wasn't it my lucky day 'cause he could give me one. I was so disgusted it was all I could do to not run off the plane and take a shower.

With those wicked last 2% you can usually expect it to sound like a high school locker room in the cockpit. Most of them have been married multiple times. Most of them wear socks with sandals. Some of them buy you drinks or dinner to get in your pants and some are just being nice. It's really a mixed bag. I could tell you more hair raising tales, but I'll save those for a rainy day, instead let me finish off on a positive note. Last Thanksgiving I had to work, which is always a bummer and everyone know it. The captain brought us gift bags as a token of his appreciation for "showing up and doing a great job." He had included bandaids, Airborne, mints, Tide pens, Aspirin (for when the passengers give us headaches), $10 in ones for van driver tips and a $25 dollar Starbucks giftcard. I had to pinch him to see if he was real.

All in all airline crews are a lot like fruit. Some are sweet, some are bananas, and some are just rotten....

You know you're a flight attendant when...

You can eat a 4-course meal or your Thanksgiving dinner standing at the counter in the kitchen.

You search for a button to flush the toilet.

You look for the "crew line" at the grocery store.

You can pack for a 2 week trip to Europe in 1 roll-aboard.

All of your pens have different hotel names on them.

You NEVER unpack.

You can recognize pilots on an overnight by their shoes, not by their faces.

You can tell from 70 yards away if a piece of luggage will fit in the overhead bin.

You know at least 25 uses for air sickness bags-none of which pertain to vomit.

You understand and actually use the 24-hour clock.

You own 2 sets of uniforms: fat and thin.

You don't think in "months" -you think in "bid packets."

You always point with two fingers.

You get a little too excited by certain types of ice.

You stand at the front door and politely say "Buh-bye, thanks, have a nice day" when someone leaves your home.

You can make a sentence using all of the following phrases: "At this time," "For your safety," "Feel free," and "As a reminder."

You know what's on the cover of the current issues of UsWeekly, In Touch, and People magazines.

You stop and inspect every fire extinguisher you pass, just to make sure the "gauge is in the green."

Your thighs are covered in bruises from armrests and elbows.

You wake up and have to look at the hotel stationery to figure out where you are.

You refer to cities by their airport codes.

You can sleep sitting bolt upright in a chair-- any chair, anywhere.

You are amazed how passengers cannot figure out how to rearrange items so that more things can easily be fit into the overhead bin.

You can get more therapy from conversations on the jump seat than you can from your $150 an hour psychologist. Of course, none of what you say is confidential.

You don't remember what day it is, Monday, Tuesday, etc.

You know more than 10 things you can cook in a one cup coffee maker.

You can iron a mean grilled cheese.

Have a great weekend!

The hardest part (physically) of my job is the odd hours. When you work an AM trip you are typically up and at work between 5-7am. PM trips can start anytime between 12-8pm, which is both a blessing and a curse. On Sunday, for example, my PM trip didn't have to check-in until 6 o'clock. That meant that I was able to go to church, make lunch and be a lazy bum for the majority of the day. It also meant that my head didn't hit a pillow until 2am. Rinse and repeat for day two. My plane didn't even land until 11:15 am last night and by the time I got home it was midnight. Joel crawled up the stairs to bed and I plopped on the couch. Figured that I needed to "wind down" a bit. So I wound down with 3 hours of staring at the computer screen. Very productive, I know. When I crawled into bed at 3am I was whooped. Consequently I woke up at 11am this morning. I will spend the rest of the day "recouping" from my trip and try to reset my body clock by drinking a glass of Riesling, taking a meletonin and going to bed before 11pm. We'll see.....
Anywho, my trip was great even with the really later nights. Here's a summary (new format!):

Tripa-palooza!

• Overnights: First night was SLC (Salt Lake City), the second was LAS (Las Vegas).

• Legs (see Flight Attendant Lingo 101 sidebar for definition): The first day was pretty nice with only 2 legs. The second day made up for the first with a jarring 5 legs. The last day only had 3 legs, but they were all pretty long....

• Hotels: No bed bugs around for all 15 hours in SLC. Even Circus Circus and its crazy, loud, smoky, seizure inducing atmosphere didn't do me in....
  

• Crew: Really, really nice. The guy was an avid mountain biker, ex-MP and the girl was a fresh-faced green-card carrying Canadian. Lets just say that the sarcasm was flowing like wine. Very, very delicious wine that I haven't tasted in like 3.5 weeks.....
  
• Customers: Not too crazy. Only had a couple weirdo's. I spent a good 10 minutes miming with one little old Asian woman trying to figure out what the heck she wanted. She made these crazy hand gestures at her seat and every time I guessed something she would shake her head vehemently. Pillow? Shakes head. Blanket? Shakes head. Is your seat dirty? Shakes head. She then proceeds to fold up her coat and sit on it. Booster seat? (I didn't actually say this one...) Finally I gave up and got her two pillows. Bingo. Pillows for booster seat. People around me started clapping.
  
• Stories: G, my male flight attendant who's been doing the job 10 years, told me this great story. A lady handed him a bottle to warm up in the back. The guy that G was flying with swiped it out of his hands and squirted it into his coffee for a little bit of "creamer." G waited until he had drank half the glass before mentioning that it was breast milk. He said the look on his face was priceless.... Stealing milk from a baby! For shame!

• "Incidents": After deplaning our 3rd flight of the day a supervisor came on board and asked me if we had just flown in from Ontario. We had. Apparently a *really, really, smart* man had forgotten to get off the plane when he was supposed to. He told her that he went to sleep next to a really heavy woman and woke up next to a hottie and was confused. I'd say so buddy, I'd say so.....

• Map: Around the world in 3 days. Or at least most the United States. (Note: Pilots do not fly in straight lines....or even walk in them.)

The "trip from hell" was actually pretty decent. Better than decent. Really, really nice. It helps to fly with a great crew, it can turn a horrible 13 leg trip in airport hotels into a gem. Lets review.

Day Two. Getting in the groove.

By day two everything is easier. Home seems very distant and as much as you miss you husband/dogs/luscious bug free bedding you realize that every leg gets you closer to it. We flew with the same pilots for two days, which is nearly unheard of, and they were actually not sleazly. Miracle of miracles.

After we landed in Ohio I hit the gym (which is awesome!) and tried to mix it up. My usual workout involves 30-40 minutes of cardio followed by 20-30 minutes of lifting. Soooo.... it was a lower body day and I decided on a double whammy of leg fatiguing cardio. Enter the Versaclimber. Or. Versaclimber of death. If you have never tried this thing I can pretty only compare it to climbing Mt. Everest without oxygen. I lasted 5 minutes before I thought I might fall off backwards. After my legs felt movable again I headed down to meet my crew for dinner. Good dinner, great company, perfect ending for a really nice day.

Day Three. So over it.

By day three you are counting the minutes until it's over and its doubly sucky if your day is about 5 legs long. After the third leg you feel like toast. Without butter or jam. Just really, really dry toast. Which is exactly how I felt. On the plus side all of our flights were really empty so the work load was pretty light. And I ate a rice crispy treat. So it wasn't all bad. I also had a pax tell me that it was the best flight eva and she was going to write a letter about my mad flight attendant skills. We'll see. I actually have people tell me this quite a bit and 99% never follow through. If you want to do something nice for your flight attendant write a (good) letter. You will be repaid by many, many prayers of thanks and possible offering up of their first born's. It means a lot. Really.

*Please squint when you look at picture. That way you can say "What mascara running down her face? All I see is her beautiful glassy eyes...." Much better.*

My nose is runny. My head feels twice its normal size and my ears are making this funny squeaking noise that can't be good. I've pretty much sat around all day with Kleenex shoved up my right nostril watching "Project Runway" marathons. I am so over it.

I left a message for Joel to come home with some cold and sinus stuff and milk. What I really meant was some cold and sinus stuff and lots and lots of chocolaty goodness, which I may or may not eat. I'm not really sure what made me sick but I'm going to blame Florida anyway.

The sunshine state really did me in. First it tried to kill me slowly with the whole computer debacle and when that didn't succeed it tried the old fashioned "throw the girl off the treadmill" method. After the whole computer thing I deduced running a few miles would probably bring my blood pressure down so I skipped on down to the gym. About 10 minutes into the jog its starts to really lightning and thunder outside. It was loud enough that I heard the first clap of thunder in the middle of my Jay-Z "maybe if I listen to rap music I'll run further because I won't be able to hear myself wheezing" playlist. My crew member running right next to me looked over and said something witty about the weather which I, of course, could not hear because of Jay-Z. Just smile and nod. Little did I know that about 30 seconds later we would see our lives flash before our eyes. What happened? The power went out and we were both flung headfirst going 6mph into the treadmill. My water spilled, my legs gave-way and I started to fall. Fortunately for us they had a generator so the power kicked on seconds later. We looked at each other with wide eyes still running at 6mph feeling lucky to be alive and still have all our teeth.

The rest of the day was fairly uneventful. As you can imagine I didn't have a chance to sit by the pool. Did I mention that it has the cutest little waterfall? Waaah!! It was probably for the best though. I have no doubt that I would have been in the newspaper the next day with the headline "Girl Sitting by Pool Dies in Freak Lightning Strike Accident". Leave it to Florida....

p.s. Joel just called and is on the way home from work. He is bringing our dear friends to cheer me up in my sickly state. Ben & Jerry and possibly their chunky monkeys.

You know how they say that first impressions are the most important? Does that work with blogs as well? I'm assuming it does, which is why I spent the entire flight from Oakland to Baltimore thinking about the dreaded "first post". Alright. I'm lying a little bit. In between reading, napping and amicably chatting with my nasally neighbor I thought long and hard about it. Do I introduce myself all proper like? Do I jump right into a fantastic story? Maybe I should give the low-down on the job? And then I fell asleep. So much for figuring it out. So here I am today deciding to do a little bit of everything. Except the fantastic story which will be later and you will NOT want to miss it because it will be life changing. LIFE CHANGING I tell you!!!!