SIX EXITS

And other incoherent words. I've been waiting. And waiting. And waiting. And dying a slow death all the while. I don't know Jack. Or crap. I was told by the powers that be that the timings "just not right". I'm not sure when I'm going to find out. Tomorrow? Next week? Next month? I guess I'm going to have to deactivate the worry machine for now. Its been making this funny grinding noise with all the overtime its been putting in.

On a brighter note. I just got back from Joel's parents home up by the Canadian border. I think we may have even passed a sign that says "Welcome to the Boonies!" at one point. Anyway, been having much fun which has consisted of snowshoeing, cross country skiing, eating loads of junk food and making everyone sit though the movie Waitress for the third time. The fire has been blazing inside while the snow has accumulated up to 3 ft seemingly overnight. The view from their home is amazing, white peaked mountains with lacy looking trees draped into a wide expanse of snow covered valley. I could stare for hours. While I'm not watching Waitress that is....

We leave on Sunday. I'll update you when I get back home and make sure my dogs haven't eaten through any walls or decided to take up gourmet cooking.

Till then,

Sleepless in Spokane.

My countdown timer is all screwed up now. The flights were to full to go home today, so Joel and I won't be heading there until tomorrow. That means we must wait a whole 'nother day to find out about the BFFS. Tres suckage.

Will I be meeting an older brother? Sister? Someone who's famous? Someone who's out on probation? Will I have nieces and nephews? OR.....

Will my mom have received a big inheritance? Will she generously bestow $10,000 to each of her children where I will then proceed to buy a second car and a third pair of Citizens for Humanity jeans?


Hmmmm...... Its like a "Christmas surprise", huh dad? An "ancient history" Christmas surprise.....

Instead of sending out elaborate Christmas cards this year, we're mailing a short letter with a picture montage of the year's highlights. Included in that video was this short little clip we took with our camera last night. The Christmas video will only be playing music so we just said a bunch of crap. Like? I hate you. Rotten cheese. Wishing cancer upon you this year! It was quite enjoyable. So? I've uploaded it for all to see. *Notice the death grip I have on Hoss Dog with my thighs. He was not going anywhere for at least 29 seconds....*

p.s. Cancer is bad. Joel does not want you to get cancer. He just wants you to up your fiber intake to at least 25 grams a day! Gooooooo broccoli!



I spoke to my mom on the phone yesterday and mentioned that I dreamt about her getting a $109,090.95 inheritance (it was a weird dream that involved cereal, fire and cats). She thought it was funny and laughed (boooo). But? When I mentioned that I'm looking forward to dreaming about another one of my "secret theories" which was the new older sibling she got flustered and asked me if I was talking about Kaitlen visiting (my younger sister). When I told that I thought I had an older sibling she changed the subject. Hmm.... Suspicious? I think so.
Only 3 days left until I find out.

I just got this letter in my email and had to share...

Hi Ashlie,

First, I love your sense of humor in your blog. Second, I noticed the doggie in the picture. I am moving to be based out of JFK after a four week training in Cincinnati. Probably going to do the crash pad thing. How realistic is it that I keep my dog? Darwin, the scruffy mutt that he is, has been all I have had post-Katrina and although I feel good placing him with the friends I have asked, I would rather he be with me. But I may be gone up to five days in a row I have been told. Not sure. Ugh, I am crying again about him. No wait, sorry. Those were tears of joy about getting out of this flooded city!

--
Tyson

Does anyone really pay attention to the verbage below signatures any more? I sure don't!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Tyson,

First off, congratulations on your new career! You are going to loooove being a flight attendant. And? Based out of JFK? How marvelous! There will be a million and one things to do instead of moping around your crashpad. I'm crossing my fingers that you find great roommates because the crashpad situation can be a *wee* bit rough sometimes. When I first started, I was based out of Los Angeles and lived in a twee apartment with 10 other ladies (and I use that word lightly). In two bedrooms. And one bath. If I had to imagine what hell looks like I would picture that apartment filled with these crazy, pms-ing, flight attendants. It was a miserable two months that ended in screaming matches and a list of 157 "rules" to abide by taped to the door. #66: You will only spend 10 minutes in the bathroom per day. Tops. Oh, the stories I could tell. And probably will someday, but right now this is about you. Moving on.

Okay. About Darwin. My heart breaks for you right now, because my dogs are my babies and I can't imagine what you're going through. But I have to be honest, and I'm sure you know where I'm headed. It is really difficult owning a pooch while flying, especially as a single flight attendant or someone who commutes. But I don't want to rule it out for you, 'cause I have seen it done. First, you need to have an excellent dog caretaker who can babysit Darwin at a moments notice. Since you will be on reserve for months/years starting out your life will be up in the air. It will be really hard for a while working with your schedule, lack of pay and juggling dog sitters but if that's what you want then I say you should do it! Life will settle down after a while and you and Darwin will be back to your old selves before you know it. Option #2 is that you find that "special" someone who's not in the airline industry pronto and have them move in. Make the third date the "Here's a key, please move in and watch my dog" date. If that doesn't freak 'em out then your home free!

Best 'O Luck,

Ashlie

p.s. Is p.s.'ing out of style? Gah. No one told me........

For those of you acronym challenged, B.F.F.S. stands for Big Fat Family Secret. Alright. Moving on.

*Picture this......
We are all huddled in a circle right now. Somewhere dark and empty. Maybe a college library in the calculus section at 10pm the day after finals. Yes. That sounds right. You are leaning in intently to listen to the latest news on my crisis. You can hear a pin drop in anticipation. Except for Lisa who keeps sneezing. Fortunately the other Lisa is there to prod her in her bony marathoner ribs. Hmmm... who do we have in attendance? My two favorite Lisa's, Kat, Nilsa, Miriam, Michelle, Tina, Larissa, Virginia, Valley Girl (which is appropriate 'cause the library is named after the Senator), Bets and many, many more. We are all settled in when I break the latest new to you....*

I Talked to my dad a couple days ago and I was able to *squeeze* some more information out of him. This is what I got.

1. He said that it was my moms thing and it was up to her to tell me when and where she pleased.
2. He also said to think of it like a "Christmas surprise".

From that I've deduced that, although 24% of you voted on my dad having a daughter named Mary Jane this is not the case. The other 24% who thinks its inheritance, or the 21% who think my mom had a "secret baby" are still in the running. So is the 3% who thinks my parents sold my soul to the devil. Now THAT would be a Christmas surprise.....

Till we meet again,

Happy guessing....

There's been enough doom and gloom for one week wouldn't you agree? That's why I decided to break out my trusty Q & A standby. We flight attendants are mysterious creatures and I'm here to demystify our dying breed... Literally. You notice how old some of us are getting? Geez people retire already and give me your seniority!!!

Hey Ashlie -

Thanks for reminding me it's Friday. It's been one of those LOOOOONG weeks. So ready for the weekend, cuz ... I'm going on vacation. Hooray! Maybe I'll wave to ya in the friendly skies!

Alright, more importantly, questions about your profession. My oh my. I used to travel with work, so I've seen some truly ugly stuff. I can only imagine what you witness, so here it goes...

1) Have you ever broken up a fight on-board between uncooperative fliers?
Not yet. Though we did have to call a customer service supervisor the other day because a little old lady threatened to punch the customer in front of her. She was a feisty one. I hope I'm still punching people when I'm 90! Not that I punch people now. Unless you work at Joannes Fabric in Towson. Then I may punch you because you are rude.

2) When there are empty seats in First Class, what can a super sweet gal do to move forward once the doors shut? If the flight is full and you're flying in a 300+ capacity plane you may be SOL. Your chances increase when flying on a smaller plane such as a 737. First, bring chocolate for the crew. This is key. Next, start chatting with them and perhaps let it slip that you're getting married soon, or pregnant or something as sweet as the chocolate you are bringing. If first class is empty(ish) they may move you up. Remember. The key is subtlety, sweetness and chocolate.

3) Other than sexual innuendos (obvious and otherwise), what are some of the worst comments people have made to you? A couple months ago some guy yelled "waitress!!!!" at me 7 rows away. He wasn't kidding. I'm pretty sure I've been called worse though. It kinda comes with the territory.

4) Disclose some anonymous dirt that fellow workers have shared with you during flights! Ohhh. This is a good one. And dangerous. We flight attendants call this "full jumpseat disclosure". Its the uncanny phenomenon of spilling your guts to a complete stranger. Here's a couple good ones.

~ And I'm quoting... "At least MY son didn't date a black girl. I don't know where you're from but we don't do that down South".... *this is me with my Yankee mouth hanging open*....

~ "Last night I got sooo wasted. I think I may have messed around with one of the pilots but I can't remember. It all started with skinny dipping in the pool. I'm sooo bad." *Me thinking: You're 50?!?! You're married?!?! Really?!?!*

5) Have you ever been working when a serious medical emergency takes place? Do tell! Nope. AND phew! I'm glad. The worst problems I've had was air-sickness and fainting. A couple weeks ago the plane we were waiting to take over was late because it had to divert to another airport. A man had a heart attack inflight and the crew performed CPR and used the AED. I'm not sure if he made it.... I'm glad nothing of that magnitude has happened yet, but let me tell you that if it does I'll be prepared.

6) Have you ever met anyone famous (or semi-famous) on your flights? Yes! Some are nice and some will be getting coal in their stockings this year. Here are a few: Paris and Nicky Hilton (not nice), Queen Latifah (not nice), Tom Skerrit (nice), CJ from Real World (eh? nice?), Peter Coyote (nice), Eddie Van Halen (nice), the producer of Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman (nice. asked me out. said he could help me "make it" in LA. ya right), Elisha Dushku (not nice. cut in front of me at Starbucks later. booooo).

Alright, I could inundate you with a million more, but I'll leave it at six questions for Six Exits! :-)

Have a great weekend!

Nilsa

If you have any more questions for please email sixexits@hotmail.com. Toodles!!!

Thanks for your kind words everyone. I would like to say that the "issue" is nothing huge, but I'm pretty sure I'd be wrong. My parents have NEVER waited to tell me something in person, unless it was a big deal. Therefore, this my friends, is a huge freaking deal. So I'm going to do what I do best. Dwell. Worry. Make a list of What-If's. And wash my face frequently so I don't break out from all the stress. Geez.

Some of you recommended calling my parents again, but alas, that would be fruitless. They are SET. If I couldn't sway my Dad, then all hope is lost. At least I still have my rampant imagination. Therefore I thought we could play a little game together called "Guess the Family Secret!" I'll start:

• The *hopeful* situation is that one of my parents has a family member they didn't know about who left them loads of money. I am doubtful of this.
• Everyone tells me that I look like Nicole Kidman. 90% of these people are not legally blind. Maybe, just maybe, we are actually related. Aunt? Very much older sister? Cousin twice removed two continents away? Hmmm....
• My Dad just found out he has another child. A minor snafu of a one night stand during the "hazy" months missing my mother.
• My mom moved to San Fransisco to go to "college" for 9 months. Or? Contemplate becoming a nun after delivering a child at the in the wine-soaked hills of Northern California...
• In a fit of financial desperation "donations" were made to certain "banks" which resulted in said other sibling.
  
• My parents sold my soul to the devil and on my 28th birthday I will have to start capturing escaped souls for him. This was Joel's input.

That's all I've got. Now it's your turn to play! Heres some helpful information:

1. Must be something "shocking" AND "exciting" according to my Dad. An odd mix.
2. It may or may NOT affect my life directly. Ummm... Okay.
3. It was before my parents were married.
4. It relates to my parents but may or may NOT be about them. Again, verrrry helpful.
5. I have four sibling and all are younger.
6. My parents got married at 20 and started dating at 16.
7. They may or may NOT have broken up when my mom was living in San Fransisco.
8. I was born 8 years after they were married.
9. My mom is an only child.
10. Just kidding. My mom just found out that she has multiple half-brothers. Lets just say that my Grandpa's been married a fewtimes.....
11. My dad had two brothers. One passed away the year I was born, the other lives in Chicago.
12. My parents are straight-laced, God-fearing Republicans who've done an excellent job raising five children.
13. What parents? They have now disowned me for this un-approved spillage of secrets to the great world wide web.

Here you go folks! Have at it.

I love my family. Love them. All four siblings, two parents and one grandmother. But? Sometimes I feel like they might be trying to kill me. Not a quick shot, but a slow process that involves mental torture which is akin to Chinese water torture but worse. With this torture you can still be attacked 2000+ miles away through the phone. Tricky, eh? I'm pretty sure world domination is just a few rings away at this point. If only the military could harness the power of my mother. My. Mother.
This afternoon we were chatting on the phone as I was driving to pick Joel up from work. Nothing was out of the ordinary until I drove up to the school and told my mom I had to go. That's when the bomb dropped which first ruined my afternoon and now has left me in a complete state of perplexion. I am freaking out a bit.
________________
Mind Torture Test #1

Mom (using serious voice): "Now I don't want you to worry...."
Ashlie: (Automatically starts the worry machine up and running. Worry, worry, worry. Yup, it's working jusssst fine.)
Mom: "When you come home for Christmas Dad and I want to talk to you about something before we bring it up to the family."
Ashlie: "Ummm... what would it be about?"
Mom: "Its not about you or Joel or anything, its really about past stuff. Ancient history."
Ashlie (using seriously worried voice) : "Okay? Mom you're being cryptic, could you please just tell me."
Mom: "No. I don't want to do it over the phone. We want to do it in person. Anyway, talk to you later!" click.

Ashlie: Looks at phone, looks at husband, looks at phone, looks at husband. Mouth hanging open. Wide. Worry machine hitting mach-1. Tells husband. Asks for advice. Eventually closes mouth. Husband says to call back MIL (mother in law, to him) and tell her that you will NOT make it 2 more weeks with this hanging over your head. Decide to call back mom.

Mind Torture Test #2

Ashlie: "Hi mom. Um, you know that "thing" we were discussing? Could you possibly give me some more details?"
Mom: "No."
Ashlie: *makes mean face into phone* "Ya sure? 'Cause I'm kinda freaking out right now."
Mom: "Sorry honey." click.

Ashlie: Looks at phone, looks at husband, looks at phone, looks at husband. Mouth hanging open. Wide. Worry machine hitting mach-3. Tells husband. Asks for advice. Eventually closes mouth. Husband says to call back FIL (father in law, to him) and get the no nonsense Dad scoop. Agree and pick up phone.

Mind Torture Test #3

Dad: "Hey honey, how are you doing?"
Ashlie: "Um, not so good Dad...." *explain mind torture #1 & #2 to dad*
Dad: grunt. humprh. "Well. I can't explain it over the phone. Just know that its not about our marriage."
Ashlie: crosses the parents are getting divorced after 37 years of marriage off the list. "Oooohkay. That makes me feel no better. But thanks."
Dad: "All I can tell you is that it was a long time ago before we were married. It wont affect you. Well. It may affect you. Just don't worry. It will probably be shocking and exciting."
Ashlie: "Fine. I'll wait. But I can't guarantee I won't have aged 10 years in worry by the time I see you for Christmas." click.

___________


How weird, cryptic and creepy is that? I am totally freaking out and imaging about a gazillion scenarios. My family is very open, and I thought that I knew about ALL the skeletons in our closet. Gah! I am so frustrated. Shocking and exciting? What is that supposed to mean? Did we inherit millions from a long lost relative? Are we related to Brad Pitt? Do I have a sibling I don't know about? Is this the second marriage for one of my parents? Are they even married? Am I the new Queen of England? Its going to be a loooong two weeks........

I better start making my crown.

Somewhere around Thanksgiving people tend to lose their "cheer" and start behaving badly. Fingers fly while driving, voodoo dolls are taken out of the closet and flight attendants become verbal punching bags. Even the most cheerful, laid back person may buckle under pressure. Last week I did. Instead of sighing and shaking my head I reacted. A well dressed couple had left a gigantic mess on their seat and floor after deplaning. We're talking ground cheerios, the New York Times, empty bottles and one delectable smeared burrito kinda mess. And since we were only on a short stop I would have to clean it. I confronted them, nicely of course, but I told them in not so many words how rude it was. I walked around the next hour just shaking my head in amazement at the audacity of some people until something happened that would change my view for a long, long time.....

His name was Noah. He boarded the plane and practically bounced down the aisle. When I said hello he looked up at me and gave me a wide, shaky grin from ear to ear. From the bottom of his sneakers all the way up to his Harry Potter glasses he radiated happiness and warmth. After his mom led him to a row in the back I continued greeting the passengers and in general forgot about him until the flight attendant working with me leaned over while pouring drinks and said "The little boy in my section is a Make A Wish Child, isn't that sad?" My heart sank. I knew that it was Noah.

I finished my service quickly and began making a "crown" out of peanuts and putting together a care package which consisted of some playing cards, wings and a couple other small tokens. After taking a few deep breaths I went over to his row. Noah looked up at me with his big, shy eyes and slowly took my gifts. His mom smiled softly and thanked me. Then we started talking.

Noah is seven years old and was flying to go see Santa Claus for what will more than likely be his last Christmas. Along with his winning smile he has a rare disease that doesn't even have a name but will take his life. But he's not scared. He's a happy, bright little boy who loves Santa, his family and his cat. He also wants to go skydiving. His mom has found a jumper who will take a terminally ill child in Hawaii. That's his last wish. He's only seven and he has a last wish. Why should we be so lucky to even get the chance to complain about trivial problems when this little boy won't get to see his 8th birthday?

Sometimes humanity shines brightest under inhumane conditions and as I walked away from his row I realized that my attitude was all wrong. Please remember Noah as you go about your day. Pray for the doctors to diagnose this illness and find a cure in the small amount of time he has left. I'm praying that my attitude and heart will change to be a little bit more like this amazing boy who loves life and lives each day to its fullest....

So exited. Love snow. Yea! Yea! Yea! That is all. Must now bundle up and go play.

• Old men should be required to wear elastic pants. If you can't remember to zip up the fly on your 22 inch rise pants with 20 inch zippers then we have a problem. That problem is me seeing your ratty old underwear. Or your woo-hoo.



• Waking up in Sacramento, eating lunch over the Grand Canyon, using the restroom in Nashville and shopping for Christmas lights at Target in Baltimore is toooo much for one day.



• The mice are building a house in our living room ceiling. I think they were wallpapering tonight, as I heard the distinct rustle of tacky flowered paper.



• My baby dog is now a big dog. And I'm sad. Where did my Winnie puppy go?