SIX EXITS

Twas' a beautiful day. The grass was green, the leaves were turning colors and my nose was finally in full cooperation with the rest of my face.

Winnie arrived in style with a windblown look ready for some heavy duty sniffing of random trees, hoss's butt and the old man with the cane in the parking lot.

After all that action she decided to take a nice "dip" in the pond. Hoss only tried to drown her twice. I'm sure after much therapy she will be back to her butt sniffing self. Young minds mend well.

Joel thinks: Hmm... one of my dogs may be drowning the other one. What to do? The water is very cold. I'm sure she will be fine.

We decided to take a dysfunctional family picture and as you can see it turned out rather well.

Not pictured: Ashlie getting drug into the water by 150 pounds of canine about 2.5 seconds later because she was "smart" enough to wear flip flops.

The journey home was just as joyous. The fresh air, the sun shining on our faces and the wind gently caressing our shoulders.

Not pictured: Hoss jumping over my shoulder onto my lap thereby scratching thee holy crap out of my legs. I would have shown pictures, but alas, they are to gruesome.

Also not pictured: Me hereby swearing off flip-flops and shorts forever. And promising to wear sunglasses and not grin like a complete moron anytime a camera's pointed in my direction.

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Off to Fort Lauderdale and Columbus early in the morn! This may be the trip from hell. Its 4-5 legs a day and the overnights are pretty short. The only bonus is the gym with the Olympic size pool and a bajillion (fully functioning) treadmills in Ohio.

Flight attendants have the same eating style as most military boot camp trainees. We eat what we can, when we can and try not to complain about it. Okay. Maybe flight attendants complain. But basically we develop a pattern that goes something like this. Run off the airplane to grab a quick bite from the nearest artery clogging "restaurant" in the airport. Try to jam a couple fries in our mouth before the plane starts boarding and then frantically check our teeth for any remnants. Wait 1-2 hours to eat the aforementioned food which is now cold. Eat food standing over trash can crammed in the back of tiny airplane galley with a line of gassy passengers (some people should NOT eat peanuts!!!) waiting to use the lav. Top that off with every third passenger wanting to make conversation about the weather, our route, our lunch and just about everything else under the sun. And being good flight attendants we put down the cold yet life sustaining meal and ignore our stomach trying to climb up our esophagus to strangle us and listen to our bread and butter. You. The passenger.

All part of the job, right? It is. Except sometimes passengers go to far. I worked with a lady recently that told me she had purchased a sandwich, a very delicious sandwich she added bitterly, placed it on the back galley table to eat and went to the restroom to wash her hands. When she returned there was a man standing there cramming HER beloved sandwich in his face. She asked him, and I quote, "Why the hell are you eating my sandwich?" and the man replied "I thought no one was eating it." Well, duh. She then proceeded to remove the receipt for the infamous sandwich and ask the man to pay for it. He refused. She told him that he had precisely 5 minutes to whip out $7.59 (airport food is expensive!) for the meal before she called the captain and had the police arrest the man when they landed. He gave her $8 and was quiet the rest of the flight.

Moral of the story: Don't judge a book by its cover cause it could be plain crazy AND never leave your sandwich alone.

Remember last week when I was in Ohio with my very pregnant friend Julie? Well, I just got off the phone and she is no longer pregnant. She had her baby mere hours ago and requested that I post on her blog about new baby Laila. Go check it out and wish the new mama well. She didn't get an epidural and had to have an episiotomy so its the least we can do......

Here's the link: http://juliesjargon.blogspot.com/

I'll post more tomorrow.....maybe about how fortunate I am that my "lady parts" are all still in tact..... Yipes!

*Please squint when you look at picture. That way you can say "What mascara running down her face? All I see is her beautiful glassy eyes...." Much better.*

My nose is runny. My head feels twice its normal size and my ears are making this funny squeaking noise that can't be good. I've pretty much sat around all day with Kleenex shoved up my right nostril watching "Project Runway" marathons. I am so over it.

I left a message for Joel to come home with some cold and sinus stuff and milk. What I really meant was some cold and sinus stuff and lots and lots of chocolaty goodness, which I may or may not eat. I'm not really sure what made me sick but I'm going to blame Florida anyway.

The sunshine state really did me in. First it tried to kill me slowly with the whole computer debacle and when that didn't succeed it tried the old fashioned "throw the girl off the treadmill" method. After the whole computer thing I deduced running a few miles would probably bring my blood pressure down so I skipped on down to the gym. About 10 minutes into the jog its starts to really lightning and thunder outside. It was loud enough that I heard the first clap of thunder in the middle of my Jay-Z "maybe if I listen to rap music I'll run further because I won't be able to hear myself wheezing" playlist. My crew member running right next to me looked over and said something witty about the weather which I, of course, could not hear because of Jay-Z. Just smile and nod. Little did I know that about 30 seconds later we would see our lives flash before our eyes. What happened? The power went out and we were both flung headfirst going 6mph into the treadmill. My water spilled, my legs gave-way and I started to fall. Fortunately for us they had a generator so the power kicked on seconds later. We looked at each other with wide eyes still running at 6mph feeling lucky to be alive and still have all our teeth.

The rest of the day was fairly uneventful. As you can imagine I didn't have a chance to sit by the pool. Did I mention that it has the cutest little waterfall? Waaah!! It was probably for the best though. I have no doubt that I would have been in the newspaper the next day with the headline "Girl Sitting by Pool Dies in Freak Lightning Strike Accident". Leave it to Florida....

p.s. Joel just called and is on the way home from work. He is bringing our dear friends to cheer me up in my sickly state. Ben & Jerry and possibly their chunky monkeys.

Right now I'm sitting in an overly airconditioned room in Fort Meyers, Florida planning the best way to murder the computer I'm working on. This has to be the most frusterating post EVER. First, my key didn't work for the business center. Then I had to wait 30 minutes for maitnence to come and unlock the door and after all that the freakin computer wouldn't even turn on. When it finally did it made a sound like a 737 taking off in Orange County (noise abatement procedures = crazy takeoff and screaming pax's). Not a pretty site. As I proceed to try and look at anything it's virtually impossible because I have to refresh about 20x just for the site to actually work. Top that off with an "ergonomic" keyboard so I keep on typing "u" instead of "o" and end up with something like this: huw are yuo> I amn not fine. freaking suun of a !$#*!^ cumpoter! I'm guing tu kill yuo and maim yuor babiez.

It's best that I leave now to take my aggressions out on the treadmill. And follow that with a heavy dose of laying by the pool reading People magazine. I will post tomorrow with pics of my overnight. Have a guud day and keep me in yuor prayers.

After all that complaining I did yesterday I should just hang my head in shame. Did I mention that the thing about my job that I love the most is the flexibility? Let me count the ways dear readers:

1. We can work when we want and where we want.

Every month we bid for our lines. The longer you've been here the better chance you have of getting your first choice. At my base there's about 900 lines. That means that there are 900 combinations of 1,2,3 and 4 day trips I can choose from. Some people pick lines for their days off others choose for their overnights (Florida in December anyone?) and some, like me, just cross their fingers and hope they don't get reserve.

2. There are no minimums or maximums.

I can work as much or as little as I want. Here are two extreme examples. I flew with one lady who had worked 7 days the last year. SEVEN DAYS IN ONE YEAR. And? She was still retaining her vacation pay (5 weeks!) and flight and medical bennies. Hopefully when I no longer fear babies to the depths of my soul I will take advantage of this for raising them. So the other extreme is a guy who worked his little booty off one month and made.....$25,000. In one month. Granted, he was at the top of the pay scale, worked through his vacation and was really, really smart with picking up trips. But still? $25,000 as a lowly flight attendant in one month?! Rock on!

3. We have a computer program that allows you to put your trip in something called "trip trade/giveaway" where people can pick up extra trips or trade (duh) with you.

While I was complaining about working 5 days straight some lovely soul picked up my trip. This has happened twice this month with no money on either trip! I felt so charitable by these kind acts that I picked up a day of reserve tomorrow for someone. What goes around comes around!


Anyway. Here are a few pictures of my visit with Julie. See how resplendent she is in her pregnant state?

Have a great weekend folks! I know I will.

Well, I'm sitting here chilling in my friends nursery. Hmm? Wha? Yes, I non-reved (*see flight attendant lingo 101 for definition *) to Ohio on Monday to visit/help/gossip with my very, very pregnant best friend Julie. She's due with her 2nd child early next week and her husband is out of the country on a mandatory business trip. Ashlie to the rescue! Kind of. I'm not very sure how good I would be if she actually went into labor. I HATE hospitals, blood, needles and all things smelling of antiseptic. Who am I kidding? I'd be a mess. On that note I'd like to thank baby Laila for staying in the womb a few days longer. I will buy you an extra pretty Christmas present this year!

It has been really fun visiting Julie. I learned how to put a 16 month old down for a nap (and did it myself today!), tasted Nana's special spaghetti sauce, painted a rocking chair and watched more Big Love episodes than necessary. Fun, fun times. I'm going home tomorrow. But not for long. 'Cause Ashlie has to work the next 5 days in a row.

Here's the part of my job that I like the least. I go to work. I come home and leave the next morning to Ohio. I get home from Ohio on Thursday and I work again early Friday morning. This time I work for 5 days straight. Ugh! Unlike you 9-5ers who get to jaunt home for dinner every night, I am either working and far, far away from home or I'm at home 24/7 on a random Tuesday picking my nails. Feast or famine. Feast or famine. I miss my husband. I miss my dogs. I miss not having to wear flip flops in the bathroom and throwing back the covers hoping not to see the vilest thing ever. A curly hair or a suspicious stain.

So when you walk in your door Friday at 5:30pm please think of me. I will be the one stuck in some Midwest hotel pining for my family and home which I will not see again until Tuesday. Bah.

Is it worth it?

Yes. Over and over again.

Has anyone seen 60 minutes or 20/20 lately? Then you've probably seen the hype about hotel cleanliness. Take bed bugs for example. They do exist. I know this because I was chewed up into little pieces in Salt Lake City last week. I went to bed, slept a good hard sleep, and woke up with little mosquito-like bites all over my body. Not a pretty picture. Even less pretty when all you want to do is itch your left butt cheek while serving Mr. 3B his coke. Oy. Here's a couple tips so you don't end up like me. And so I don't get bit in the arse again.

1. To check for bedbugs peel back the sheets and look in the corner of the mattress where the stitching meets at the edges. Also check underneath the mattress. If you see small black crawly things quit screaming and change rooms. Then start process all over again.

2. Check the sheets for rust colored stains. These are an indicator of bedbugs. Also could be blood. But do you really want to sleep on either?

3. Always keep your luggage elevated off the floor so these little guys don't hop a ride back to your pad.

4. Try to wear long sleeves and pant like PJs.

5. Don't be fooled into thinking only the Holiday Inn's have these guys. They've made more appearances in luxury hotels than Lindsay Lohan on crack.

6. Buy one of these. Its a cheap and easy way to keep yourself free of the creepy crawlies....


That all for now! Stay tuned for more great travel tips...

Before we delve any further into my glamorous as a flight attendant I feel that it is necessary to show you the inspiration behind my superior peanut slinging. Without further adieu here are the groupies!



Cute husband, cute dog...
partially remodeled living room.

















Lets play a game. Which one? The one where I act all cute and then proceed to bite thee holy crap out of your ankles in about 20 second. No?

(thats one of Hosses favorites!)

Yes. I'm calling myself a dog. We'll save that issue for another day....

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent, especially Fluffy.....*

So I'm flying with this guy named Eric on a trans-con flight and he tells me this story I will never forget (but try really, really hard too). Let me set this up for you, Eric used to work on the ground as a customer service supervisor before coming inflight. Decipher? He used to take the tickets instead of handing out the cokes. Here's the scoop:


Looking back on this incident I am totally embarassed to admit to the dear Internet that the first thing that popped into my mind was "Holy sandpaper tongue batman!! Her poor, poor nipple...."

You know how they say that first impressions are the most important? Does that work with blogs as well? I'm assuming it does, which is why I spent the entire flight from Oakland to Baltimore thinking about the dreaded "first post". Alright. I'm lying a little bit. In between reading, napping and amicably chatting with my nasally neighbor I thought long and hard about it. Do I introduce myself all proper like? Do I jump right into a fantastic story? Maybe I should give the low-down on the job? And then I fell asleep. So much for figuring it out. So here I am today deciding to do a little bit of everything. Except the fantastic story which will be later and you will NOT want to miss it because it will be life changing. LIFE CHANGING I tell you!!!!